Ship Wreck Survivor

I Am a Ship Wreck… (child molestation, abuse, neglect, cancer, rape, domestic violence, suicide attempt, depression, robbery, assault, incarceration, bondage) Survivor.

As a “Ship Wreck Survivor” my glass is always half full and on many occasions overflowing I have been through too much and survived too much to sink, capsize.

You.. survived any/all of the above congratulations. Celebrate you!!!

Going through what appears unmanageable storm, be encouraged. If you made it through that surely you can make it through this(whatever your this is)

 

 

 

Celebration the boring life…..me and my ride or die dog

When I look back on my life, I see much pain, mistakes, poor choices and heartbreak. However, when I look in the mirror, I see not a victim but one victorious, I see perseverance, I see wisdom, I see strength, I see love, I see a winner, I see an over-comer, I see a warrior. One who not just overcame obstacles but by the grace and mercy of God is overcoming all obstacles in her path and always keeps a smile on her face making like it never happened. So thankful to quote my spiritual mom’s Dr. Rachelle Benson most noted cliche “God will make it as though it never happened”.

This is what child molestation, child abuse, neglect, betrayal, domestic violence, cast out, cancer, rape, incarceration, homelessness, brutality, and hatred survivor, warrior ,unbroken looks like.

Mz Grace aka Gracie my "ride or die"

Mz Grace aka Gracie my “ride or die”

Survivor/warrior Mz Connie. Happy

Survivor/warrior Mz Connie. Happy

I liken my life to the child toy weeble wobbles, they”weeble and wobble but don’t fall down” I have been knocked around and about but not out. Bruised and scarred but undefeated. Celebrating all survivors, and encouraging all weary that defeat is not an option, do not lose hope I am certain what God has and still is doing for me He can, is and will do for you!!!

Peace snatched away like a rug, part 1…..

Grace

ɡrās/
noun
1.simple elegance or refinement of movement.
“she moved through the water with effortless grace”
synonyms: attractiveness, charm, elegance, poise, gracefulness, finesse;
2.: a controlled, polite, and pleasant way of behaving
(in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings..
Synonyms: kindness, kindliness, love, benignity; condescension.

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Grace is her name and by above definition she has lived up to it. She that I refer to is my 8 year old friend, love, buddy, family member and pet Bichon Frise. I have learned so much from Grace in the past 2 weeks as what would appear a peaceful existence changed 360 degrees in a matter of minutes.

On one particular day June 04, 2015 we(myself, Grace and Diamond, my Chihuahua mix) we set out for our routine morning stroll. Nothing remarkable about this day other than the fact we set out earlier than usual due to the forecasters predicting early rain. Upon return from my dogs gleeful romp and play in their favorite grassy area in front of a child’s middle school I observe 2 large pit bulls off leash on the opposite side of the street still at a distance.

As the distance between is lessens I call out to a young man appeared to be accompanying the 2 pit bulls asking that secure them as they appear to take note and interest in my dogs. The young man responds “lady they are not my dogs”. The partnered pit bulls(one white and one black) run across the street fast approaching my dogs. I quickly grab my dogs leashes tight and attempt to pick them up. The white pit bull grabs hold of my chihuahua hind leg. I instantaneously punched the pit bull in its snout and secured my chihuahua under my jacket. At this point both pit bulls are biting at my jacket to cause harm to my chihuahua. Grace my Bichon Frise now barks and the 2 pit bulls turn their attention on to her. At this point I wish this were just a bad dream which I will awake and find not real. Not the case,

I let off a swift kick to the white pit bull and yell which causes the pit bull partners to retreat but only for a quick moment. This was short lived as the black pit bull returned and as I attempt to grab Grace up in my arms the black pit bull restarted the attack grabbing Grace in her back I had no choice but to let Grace go as I did not want to engage in a tug of war with me against the pit bull. The most disappointing and shocking thing of all at this moment is the fact that several bystanders are in arm reach and not one responds to my cry for assistance as I watch this vicious attack on my Grace. Grateful for a passer by that offered to assist in getting us away from this scene. Relieved to be in this woman Debbie’s car with Gracie in hand and observing the local police and fire department arrive. Relief short lived as now I realize in the commotion Diamond my chihuahua is no longer in place tucked under my jacket. She obviously dropped in the ruckus. Take off and get Gracie to veterinarian, I am instructed by police and fire department. However, this is not an option. How am I to leave my other dog behind.

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Don’t worry they say, we will look for Diamond. Not an option she is terrified and there is no way she will respond or approach unknown and unfamiliar voices. I am now informed if I do not leave and take Gracie to veterinarian immediately I will be given a citation. Really!! Debbie the good Samaritan suggest we return to my home to get my wallet and hopefully see if Diamond returned home. I did not feel optimistic in finding Diamond at home as we are 2 miles away from home and very heavy traffic at the major thoroughfare.

I will never underestimate the intelligence of  my Diamond again, she not only made it to our building but there she was laying on the mat in front of apartment door.

What does not kill you makes you stronger….

Sitting in the waiting area of my Oncologist office anxiously awaiting the nurse to call me in for my results of my 3 month check/follow-up after completing Chemo and radiation therapy. Feeling good and hair is growing back in so not expecting any negative reports. Browsing through magazines made available to occupy the waiting time.  They have lots of foodies focus magazine delighting in the great photos of all sorts to entertain the palate. All is well then suddenly, there it is a visual reminder all days were not great. The picture of Frutopia was a definite trigger for me. I shriek liken to the photo below, lol.

oh no girl

 

What was so concerning about this beverage? Thanks I couldn’t wait for you to ask, lol. A picture in an ad displaying Frutopia.

Fruitopia

 

This fruit flavored beverage was pretty popular in the mid-late 1990’s. It was provided as an option to aid in providing possible comfort to the tongue from metallic mouth. One of the side effects of chemo and radiation is a metallic taste in your mouth. Although it was presented with good intentions, at that time in 1995 was a very hard battle with cancer, little to no appetite and very difficult to hold down food without puking. The other issue was morphine for the extreme pain I had to endure.

A very ever so kind nurse brought it to me in hopes of remedying the nausea and other issue. Upon the first sip of this beverage from a straw it did not taste good with metallic mouth. So I immediately spit it out, went into sheer panic mode. Pressing the call button, screaming and ranting “this nurse came in my room to kill me, she is feeding me poison”. Again this particular nurse was one of the best ever during my then 50 day stay in the hospital. I did have a few lack of care events but this time it was more dilutions from morphine. In an attempt to calm me down, the nurse tried to explain the nutritional benefits as I have not been able to eat anything for a good while.  As the nurse manager and other staff rush in to my room with concern. The nurse, totally disappointed and upset at this point over my reaction upon exiting my room stated “I wasn’t trying to kill you, in fact what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. At that moment this only further convinced me my dilution is perhaps not a dilution but reality.

Sadly, I never saw that nurse again but upon discharge from hospital 3 weeks later I delivered a letter of sincere apology and gratitude to her as I in my clear mind was able to see she meant the best and wanted me to get some nutrients to aid in managing the negative effects of chemo.

Light at the end of the tunnel. The follow-up tests and reports are great. I on my way to full recovery. But no interest in trying Frutopia, not even sure it is still in the markets. Won’t be looking for it.

It’s a wrap…

Okay I am going public, a small few are aware but many have not known. As I have been keeping this relationship a secret for far too long. Fully aware it was not, nor would ever be good for me. No real chance of improving. Never gave always taking, wanting more and more. Very abusive, inflicting much physical and emotional pain. But I must admit I have to take responsibility and own my part. You see I thought if I got angry enough, shout enough, cry enough it would possibly initiate moving on and going away. Did much of that, ignoring wisdom and solutions by others in like circumstances. Continue reading It’s a wrap…