It’s a wrap…

Okay I am going public, a small few are aware but many have not known. As I have been keeping this relationship a secret for far too long. Fully aware it was not, nor would ever be good for me. No real chance of improving. Never gave always taking, wanting more and more. Very abusive, inflicting much physical and emotional pain. But I must admit I have to take responsibility and own my part. You see I thought if I got angry enough, shout enough, cry enough it would possibly initiate moving on and going away. Did much of that, ignoring wisdom and solutions by others in like circumstances. Kept coming back stronger and stronger rendering me hopeless and helpless, tearing me down. Oh, the many battle scars, repairing surgeries, stitches, physical and psychological therapy. The thought of calling your name caused me to vomit and that I did often. In seeking support I received many ribbons and tshirts adding color and accessorizing your damage. So a glam way to cover your abuse and so reminding me you are still there. I still couldn’t say good-bye convincing myself I for some reason deserve you. Heck I hadn’t been an angel in the past. Keep hearing the words Karma float around in my head. Rehashing the memories of an awful childhood, lacking love and support. I embraced you because with all the other failed attempts to die you were a sure fire winner. I really want to die but too coward to do it myself. Fear instilled from Bible scriptures and christian thoughts on suicide. Losing weight, gaining weight, losing hair, restless nights, worrying, praying but honestly not diligently. You see deep down inside I didn’t want to be happy, never felt truly hopeful so behind the fake somehow convincing smiles, really had hopes this one yeah would go ahead and kill me. You couldn’t even kill me.

The back and forth games have gone on for far too long. Years and years you leave me and just as I am convinced it’s over here we go again and you show back up again and again taking my spirit and leaving me broken.

Well, well, well, a new day is dawning the time has come. I have truly gotten sick and tired of being sick and tired. Found much making life worth living. Found a passion for many things and dogs being the greatest. Yeah, started thinking how abandoned they would feel without me and I without them. So I packed up, boxed up and sealed the hate, bitterness, resentments, bad habits, all the things keeping you fed and inviting your return. While you were gone that last time I embraced forgiveness, gratitude, gained self worth and greater love for God.

So like any major breakup there is still some pain and discomfort but haven’t found healing and recovery ever to be possible without some pain and discomfort. So Cancer good bye, you are no longer welcomed. it’s a wrap!!

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