When I look back on my life, I see much pain, mistakes, poor choices and heartbreak. However, when I look in the mirror, I see not a victim but one victorious, I see perseverance, I see wisdom, I see strength, I see love, I see a winner, I see an over-comer, I see a warrior. One who not just overcame obstacles but by the grace and mercy of God is overcoming all obstacles in her path and always keeps a smile on her face making like it never happened. So thankful to quote my spiritual mom’s Dr. Rachelle Benson most noted cliche “God will make it as though it never happened”.
This is what child molestation, child abuse, neglect, betrayal, domestic violence, cast out, cancer, rape, incarceration, homelessness, brutality, and hatred survivor, warrior ,unbroken looks like.
I liken my life to the child toy weeble wobbles, they”weeble and wobble but don’t fall down” I have been knocked around and about but not out. Bruised and scarred but undefeated. Celebrating all survivors, and encouraging all weary that defeat is not an option, do not lose hope I am certain what God has and still is doing for me He can, is and will do for you!!!
Sitting in the waiting area of my Oncologist office anxiously awaiting the nurse to call me in for my results of my 3 month check/follow-up after completing Chemo and radiation therapy. Feeling good and hair is growing back in so not expecting any negative reports. Browsing through magazines made available to occupy the waiting time. They have lots of foodies focus magazine delighting in the great photos of all sorts to entertain the palate. All is well then suddenly, there it is a visual reminder all days were not great. The picture of Frutopia was a definite trigger for me. I shriek liken to the photo below, lol.
What was so concerning about this beverage? Thanks I couldn’t wait for you to ask, lol. A picture in an ad displaying Frutopia.
This fruit flavored beverage was pretty popular in the mid-late 1990’s. It was provided as an option to aid in providing possible comfort to the tongue from metallic mouth. One of the side effects of chemo and radiation is a metallic taste in your mouth. Although it was presented with good intentions, at that time in 1995 was a very hard battle with cancer, little to no appetite and very difficult to hold down food without puking. The other issue was morphine for the extreme pain I had to endure.
A very ever so kind nurse brought it to me in hopes of remedying the nausea and other issue. Upon the first sip of this beverage from a straw it did not taste good with metallic mouth. So I immediately spit it out, went into sheer panic mode. Pressing the call button, screaming and ranting “this nurse came in my room to kill me, she is feeding me poison”. Again this particular nurse was one of the best ever during my then 50 day stay in the hospital. I did have a few lack of care events but this time it was more dilutions from morphine. In an attempt to calm me down, the nurse tried to explain the nutritional benefits as I have not been able to eat anything for a good while. As the nurse manager and other staff rush in to my room with concern. The nurse, totally disappointed and upset at this point over my reaction upon exiting my room stated “I wasn’t trying to kill you, in fact what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. At that moment this only further convinced me my dilution is perhaps not a dilution but reality.
Sadly, I never saw that nurse again but upon discharge from hospital 3 weeks later I delivered a letter of sincere apology and gratitude to her as I in my clear mind was able to see she meant the best and wanted me to get some nutrients to aid in managing the negative effects of chemo.
Light at the end of the tunnel. The follow-up tests and reports are great. I on my way to full recovery. But no interest in trying Frutopia, not even sure it is still in the markets. Won’t be looking for it.
Okay I am going public, a small few are aware but many have not known. As I have been keeping this relationship a secret for far too long. Fully aware it was not, nor would ever be good for me. No real chance of improving. Never gave always taking, wanting more and more. Very abusive, inflicting much physical and emotional pain. But I must admit I have to take responsibility and own my part. You see I thought if I got angry enough, shout enough, cry enough it would possibly initiate moving on and going away. Did much of that, ignoring wisdom and solutions by others in like circumstances. Continue reading It’s a wrap…